HALLELUJAH PILGRIMS! Welcome to my ADVENTUROUS ARTFUL JOURNEY! I soulblog with YOU in order to have companionship on my PILGRIMAGE and to learn about YOUR ARTFUL JOURNEY. In this blog, I invite you to the DARKNESS I have been experiencing recently. I have endured a breakdown in confidence and suffered from a writer’s block. DOUBTING oneself can be both FRIGHTENTING and FERTILE.
However, even though the written words that would comprise a “published blog” hid in these SHADOWY DOUBTS, I have continued to make art daily, a profusion of it—because that is what I have TRAINED myself to do—the daily practice of showing up to the drawing table and draining my heart and soul onto the page (I do not feature this work here today but will show it to you in a future blog.).
During this time, I have also allowed myself to FEEL incredibly flawed. I acknowledge my feelings and make observations. I reflect. By accepting my negative thoughts, I move through them. The stillness turns into action. In the DARKNESS, I am ready to HOWL out my FRIGHT! (My Chiboogamoo is patient and finds a certain musicality to my expressive howls!):
--Nobody loves me (except for Chiboogamoo)!
--My art is no good!
--Everything I think is cliché!
--I have nothing to contribute!
A fellow pilgrim (Karen Phillips) suggests that I write my blog about this DARKNESS, about THESE howls that lead to the existential question: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? You more experienced PILGRIMS are nodding at this particular well-worn question, one you relinquished long ago. This question has no BIG answer—only individual responses.
It is my individual response that brings me FERTILITY from the depths of DARKNESS.What is the meaning of MY life? I live unabashedly to live and breathe SOULFULNESS expressed. I feed myself on AUTHENTICITY and HONESTY served to me in a written word, a vocal utterance, an image, a dance….
OOh boy. I shudder with familiarity when I read your words about your creative doubt. Yesterday I began reading Jonathan Franzen's new, widely-acclaimed book entitled "Freedom". I became aware of a cold, unsettled sensation in my gut. Suddenly every painting I am currently working on is a piece of shit. The idea popped into my head as I read about the liberal, suburban families he satirizes. Franzen is so good at nailing how they think and dress and act. His irony and sarcasm, while so funny and well-written was a pall on my morning. I think like some of his characters and I may dress and act sometimes like they do. His writing felt elitist and icky. I began to see how my thoughtful creative endeavors could be categorized in a snarky way. It all began to feel so hopeless. At this point, I've decided to go to Binders Art Supply to buy some art materials. Time to get out of the house, out of my head and out of that book.
ReplyDeleteDearest CECE (SEESEE)! I love you! I love your artmaking and the resulting art. I love your way of seeing in multiple ways and then finding the way--for now--that suits you! Do you recommend reading Franzen? I'm curious about what art supplies you bought yourself! Warmly your dear sister pilgrim, Hallelujah!
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