THE PROCESS OF HEALING: MOURNING LOSS THROUGH DAILY DRAWING

Two weeks ago Misha passed away out of my arms into the universe (Read blog entry: Diminished by One: The Death of a Beloved Feline). He cannot be cuddled anymore. As I wake to do my daily drawings, I am present to my loss of his persistence presence. No cat companion to feed, to comb, to converse with, to let out, nor to sit next to as I draw. His ashes are beside me now (Read blog entry: Dead Finish to Misha's Life).

As I begin to draw, I don’t think too deeply. I don’t judge myself for my continued need to commune with Misha (NOT GOOD, NOT BAD, JUST IS). I ask him and myself how we want to be conveyed. My palette is limited to 9 inches by 12 inches and about 20 watercolor pencils.

This blog begins after the crematorium’s hot fires burnished Misha into a bright shining star in my HEART and MEMORY.

RESTING IN PEACE (Drawn November 10, 2011). Two mornings after Misha’s cremation at Paws, Whiskers and Wags: Your Pet Crematorium, I drew this serene image of Misha sleeping in a bed of INFINITE space. My hand reaches toward him touching, releasing, and touching again. The flowers are scattered from my crown of flowers, multiplying and spinning in time with Misha. I found great comfort in seeing this image emerge. Wandjina (Creation God and a symbol for my animus) reaches out to assist in Misha’s JOURNEY.

OH MY LOVE (Drawn November 11, 2011). Yes, Misha, I will dance with you.  You are bigger than me and so alive in the way I imagine you. Yes, I will dance with you. And for now, I will not mourn but dance!

MY BIG BIG BABY (Drawn November 12, 2011). I  am so in love with you. You are my ETERNAL baby. In your FINAL years, you no longer struggled in my arms. Yielding replaced youthful resistance to leap and bound. As I held you for what felt like INFINITY, we stared into each other’s eyes, UNITED.

INNER-TWINED, INNER-THOUGHTS, INNER-BEING (Drawn November 13, 2011). Is it possible that while physical loss is FINITE, SPIRITUAL CONNECTION is INFINITE?

HELD: IN SPACE AND TIME ALL THINGS CHANGE (Drawn November 14, 2011). The GREAT exchange! BEING comforted by the BEINGNESS of Misha.

PROCESS OF EXPERIENCING FELINE LOSS (Drawn November 15, 2011).  Being present to my loss. NOT GOOD, NOT BAD, JUST IS….

SADNESS AT TIME OF PARTING (Drawn November 16, 2011).This image surprised me…how sad our expressions are. Even though I used green in the background to signal  CHANGE, GROWTH, NEW DIRECTION, I discovered the sadness existing in my heart about the CHANGE I cannot control—the need to accept DEATH, SEPARATION, and LOSS. The LOSS of Misha has intersected with ALL the LOSSES in my life.

DANCE? LET GO? NOT YET!  (Drawn November 17, 2011). Almost two weeks into my PROCESS of HEALING, I realized that MOURNING is not fast.  Today, I discovered the “hidden contract” I had made with myself! Here is the contract: 1) Draw every day being present to Misha’s death. 2) Do not judge—not good, not bad, just. 3) Check for healing, expecting the “drawing meditation” to work like an antibiotic—quick recovery! I feel perplexed! I had tricked myself into thinking I could HEAL myself with expediency by “striving” conscientiously!

How I love ART and the way my inner-and outer-self  speak to one another, integrating my woes and joys. I give myself permission to let my ART be what I  need it to be! I give myself permission to take TIME to HEAL and to SEE what is the next thing I need.

HONORABLE MENTION: My dear dear Chiboogamoo, the brilliant paleontologist that he is wrote a wonderful tribute to our beloved feline using his ichnological insight. His tribute, "Cat Ichnology: The Marks of Misha," can be found on a charming and engaging blog, Geokittehs, which is dedicated to the teaching of geology through the use of--yes--cats! I took this photo in December 2010. Chiboogamoo was teaching our feline companion about evolution from his course with the Teaching Company, "Major Transitions in Evolution."

PERSISTENT PERMISSIVE PERMANENT SOULMATE
photo by Chiboogamoo