A DECADE OF BEING FATHERLESS: Embracing my father's spirit 10 years after his death

MY FATHER (CHRISTMAS 1960). Don't we all see our father--well, as fathers? Not icons? Well my father was a larger than life WAR HERO, a symbol of BRAVERY and DEDICATION to OUR COUNTRY. Yet, here in this photo taken by mother at Ft. Benning, Georgia, with four of his five children, he is "just" simply my father (I'm pictured to his right, and my brother Bill had not yet been born). Many years later, at some point before my father died, he expressed a desire to be buried in a civilian cemetery with a big tombstone that said: "Edward R. Schowalter--Husband of Bonney and father of Lynn, Ned, Steve, Ruth and Bill." Well, time marches on and without my father planning the details for his burial, his wishes were forgotten, and he was buried instead at Ft. Benning, Georgia, with a tombstone that recognized him as the icon of the SOLDIER and WAR HERO that he indeed was.

Hallelujah for the salve that TIME provides! Hallelujah for the journey in LIFE that allows us to embrace the natural DYING-OFF of all things that are brought to LIFE. In the ten years since my father died on November 21, 2003, I have continued to grapple with the complexity that is LIFE without his presence.

FIRST VISIT TO MY FATHER'S GRAVE 2013. My father's death rocked my world. Our relationship was a difficult but profound one. I was called "The Apple of His Eye," and therein lies the difficulty. A man who participated in 3 major wars--World War II, Korean Conflict, and Vietnam War--my father had seen and been involved with horrors that could not be discussed but haunted him nonetheless. As a child, I was his sidekick, the one most like him. In my young adult years, I spent many hours at the kitchen table with him where he plotted out which roses and camellias to buy for his extensive garden, and later, when his interest turned to refurbishing and collecting guns. We did not see eye-to-eye on many things, which caused great conflict in our relationship. His death left me with many unresolved issues. The night before he died, however, I slept beside him in a recliner next to his hospital bed, cradling my still smaller hand in his larger comforting one. The next evening after he took in his last breath and the rest of my family departed, my mother and I left his side only when the minister told us it was time to go. That was my final contact with my father. A little more than 24 hours prior to that, he had looked me in the eyes and used hand signals to tell me that he loved me, a ventilator preventing him from speaking. In the arena of such loss, it was inevitable that family conflict ensued which along with my own grieving prevented me from attending my father's funeral and from visiting his grave for 10 years. This photo was taken in October 2013 (see this blog for context of the visit) (photo by Tony Martin)

So ten years have passed and where do I find myself now in relation to my father?  How do we keep a person "human" and personable when he is a WAR HERO like my father was? Even after he retired, my father preferred to be called COLONEL by my male suitors. He proclaimed that, "I'm no Mister!"

THE COLONEL. I took this photo of my father when he and my mother accompanied me to a "suitor's" graduation from Ranger training at Ft. Benning. Yes, I was dating a soldier, one who later asked me to marry him. I declined not because of who he was but rather because of what I needed to become. As much as I was a MILITARY BRAT, I did not want to become a MILITARY WIFE. I hungered to find a different kind of life, one that would allow me to become my own person. That said, I have always felt a part of the love and dedication to the military and its families that serve the United States of America. I was proud that for this military graduation my father chose to wear his Congressional Medal of Honor and did so with great pride. In this photo, he is BOTH FATHER AND COLONEL to me.

Even now, ten years after his death, it seems that it would be easier to resort to memorializing my father as a Congressional Medal of Honor holder--HERO-- and to link to sites that explain who he was professionally and what courageous feats he achieved during battle. I have even written blogs on this topic (here and here). 

THE HERO. During my growing up days, my father would often be invited to be part of a parade or to go to a presidential inauguration party. Here he is in May 1963 participating in an Armed Forces Day Parade. (photo by U.S. Army)

DAD fixing my car.

But 10 years after his death and I am now wanting to see my FATHER as a man, complete with his vulnerabilities as well as his strengths. 

Funny in this long decade since his death, I am experiencing a limited number of stories to tell and photographs to use to discuss my FATHER's spirit. Just now, when I was linking to previous blogs about my FATHER, I see I have used some of the the same photos before.

It may seem obvious to say this, but once a person is deceased, there are no new meaningful photos of them. While there may be no more "new" photos that can help me express my FATHER,  I do think there may be many more stories to collect and tell. Yet, I don't think I am the one to honor my FATHER in this way. Besides, when he was given the opportunity to have a book or movie made about his life when he was alive, he declined.
 

HUSBAND. My mother and father made a glamorous pair. This photo was taken New Years Eve, 1963. On the tenth anniversary of my FATHER's death, I talked with my mother by phone, and we retrieved memories of him. Some how, I will always take comfort in my mother's proclamation, "He was the one for me." She said that again yesterday.

Dad had always wanted me to achieve and excel. And, I had in my own way before his death, but I had never married nor had any children which gave my successes tarnished edges to my FATHER. At the time of his death, he was happy to know that Tony and I were engaged. He and my mother had been married almost 50 years when he died. 

As Tony and I get ready to celebrate our ninth wedding anniversary this December, I am glad to have the love of a good husband. I have been given the greatest opportunity to have a marvelous life with a gentle, smart, and funny human being.  

Perhaps, it is because of this loving relationship that I have with Tony, that I want to claim my FATHER--now more than ever before--as just a man. I want to put the COLONEL and the WAR HERO to rest and in the ongoing years get to know the spirit of Edward R. Schowalter or Ned as he was nicknamed, but I rarely heard him called. Ned.

FLOWERS FOR NED. Taken in October 2013 at Ft. Benning, Georgia, where my FATHER is buried. (photo by Tony Martin)

That's Coffee with Hallelujah! SOUL BLOG with me and share your journey of LIFE and DEATH. Where are you on this mysterious path? How about memories of who your father is to you?